Free to be

To live without a court sentence hanging over my head
To walk without any pain
To grip the handle of my coffee mug and not to feel the hollow ache in my muscles and knuckles
To breathe every moment not fearing if it would be my last
To sleep and not to wake up only to see a car drive over me by another drunk driver
To know that I am free, not in need of any substance to cheer me up
To see and to recognise the colours around me
To afford to take at least one day off from my hectic work schedule
To get to hear the leaves rustling and the waves being tossed in the ocean
To have hope and to keep the faith
Free to be..always

*NOT* just another face in the crowd

After all these days, today the 21st of July 2008,I have been made to realise by certain turn of events that I am *not* just another face in the crowd. I feel antiquated, have been made to accept that I have certain obsolete views that just cannot gel with normal people's idea of freedom?..or whatever. Who am I to care???
Do I want to change? NO. I will stand by my belief come what may.

A sip

Early today morning, it rained as soon as I reached office. My colleague adjusted the shades on the window so that we could get a better view of the eucalyptus tree which was thriving at the cool drops of water being poured down from the heavens.

Being from the hills, I love tea; so I went out to get a cup for myself from those roadside vendors and along came my colleague (let’s say Z) who had just returned from a family function. Z was describing the whole time how a drunken man (let’s say Y) was beaten up by Z’s relatives when Y came uninvited to the function and was probably trying to steal a bag full of valuable stuff. Now, all along I was thinking, did the beating make any difference to that man who was possibly a thief? Like Z was saying, all the male relatives who chanced an encounter with Y outside the house gates slapped or kicked that intoxicated fellow. I needed to understand why? First of all that man was drunk. Secondly, people had already beaten him up, and then, people were still beating him up.

I guess everyone needs to vent out their frustration on someone. In this case, people were happy that Y was around, a scapegoat. They could kick him, hit him, slap him, and they were justified. Like I’d said, because I am from the hills, I love tea. You see, for my addiction, I am also giving a justification.

Ramblings...

A whole year has passed… and more since I last posted something here.
I am still…just another face on the crowd. Nothing much has changed… Oh really!!
Yes really.

I have had amazing times, highs and lows…more of highs though… See, I tend to believe that I should always look at the positive side…That is what I would like to project myself as….Not that I really care what others expect of me… Oh really!! Yes…really.
I was introduced to a whole new world of relationships, of movies, of places, of responsibilities and I am still learning more. Yes, I did try a couple of beverages too. Cannot deny that I didn’t like it but it’s impossible to stay awake after taking a sip! Best to avoid these stuff most of the time.
I realized that I’ve been an awful manager of time. See, time’s managing me rather than me managing time… What happened to the whole concept of time management??? ….eeessshhh….Need to work on it. (Point no. 1) Do you think it’s really gonna work out?? I will make it work out….Howzzzat?? do not have a clue…!
I am getting bored now…gonna try solving some Sudoku stuff…..
Working from home…it’s really a pain!!! Never realized it until now!

bed of roses

Today, business is good. I managed to sell roses worth seventy rupees. I wish I did not have to sell them. I am not particularly fond of roses but I adore flowers in general, and roses are no different. Of course, you cannot compare the roses that I sell with those being sold in those fancy shops. I try to make my roses more beautiful though…holding it in a particular way, so that some flaws are best left undiscovered for the customers to see….
By the way, I secretly bought a fairness cream from the panwallah…he was so convincing that I did not have the heart to reject the offer…he was giving me at a discount, that’s what he said. I have hid that cream with a purple cover between the branches of a bush, near that traffic signal. I hope its still there at the end of the day.

The first customer I had today was an old lady, I guess she was pretty lonely…saw it in her sad eyes. She was driving a huge empty car. I did not expect her to stop the car on seeing the red traffic signal even though there were very few cars this early December morning. Still, she stopped… I went upto her with my best smile and thrust the red roses infront of her. I did not want to charge more than the actual amount for my first customer. She did not even ask me the price, looking at the flowers wistfully she bought the whole bunch from my hand! That made my day…This was the best thing that has happened to me till date…I wish I had more flowers in my hand then…

After sometime, the humdrum of everyday life had caught up with the city people. Cars were zooming past with insane speed, though I did make some few extra bucks whenever there was a red traffic signal. The customers were the usual type. Boy buying the rose and shyly handing it to the girl. There were some exceptions, if you can call it that…I saw this girl my age all dressed up in her school uniform in the back seat of her car with her brother, a cute toddler. By the looks of it, I guess the girl was late for school because the mother, who was driving the car was glancing at her watch time and again. Even I have a brother, approximately the same age as that tiny guy who was now looking at me curiously, a shabby girl with knotted dirty hair and hand full of red roses. His attention was so intense that even his mother and sister followed his gaze and suddenly, this guy gave me the warmest dimpled smile…which made the other two in the car laugh out joyously…They looked so happy. The mother called out to me and bought the roses. I think it was out of pity that she bought. After receiving the money, I could still feel her gazing at me from the mirror. Do I pity myself? Definitely…sometimes, I feel I have been wrongly thrust into this cold confused world. But, here I am. And anyways, no one’s perfectly happy right? No matter how rich they maybe and how many fancy cars they may have. You know why I am telling this? I saw this young, seemingly rich married couple quarreling away inside the car at the signal. Married, because the female had a small red dot towards her upper forehead…definitely a sindoor…In fact, the quarrel got so intense that she got off the car and was yelling out madly. They made quite a curious scene, that handsome couple.
Another buyer I remember was this poetic looking shabby guy with unkempt hair and a shawl draped around his thin frame. While haggling over the price with one of the customers in the other car, I realized he was looking at me…curiously, I felt like he was reading me. Anyhow, why leave a potential customer! I went upto him and pleaded him to buy the roses. I did not dare raise the actual price. He made me feel uncomfortable just looking at me and not uttering a single word. But, wonder of wonders, he did buy a rose and bluntly handed me his shawl. What’s going on today? I do not understand.

The stars are definitely shining on me this day. I had seen a truckload of vegetables early morning when there was only a faint hint of daylight. Maybe, that brought me luck today. Whatever, I do not care as long as such goodwill continues on and on and on.
My brother is crying. I think he is hungry. Poor guy, I so love him but cannot always be beside him to take care of him. My parents, they too are somewhere in the streets selling magazines or the usual bric-a-bracs. How I wish that we had a small house, I do not want a huge bungalow. I just need a small house where we are sheltered from weird humans and harsh cold winds or the hot wind and the harsh sunlight on the hot summer days. A small house where I can play with my brother. I wish I could go to school and have loads of friends with whom I can talk about other stuff instead of making survival strategies. How lucky those people are who have a roof on their head and not having to worry when the next meal would come their way...
I know, I gather a lot of pity from those curious eyes around me at the traffic stop. I wish I could be the onlooker and not be a part of this other side of the survival game. But that is just a wishful thinking. Maybe when they look at me, they wish that their life would be as simple and uncomplicated as mine…happily selling the red roses!

Fe02 or Fe203..or..what was that???

You wake up one fine day and the realisation, that your life, is not your life anymore, hits you bad...! You are a mere puppet responding to the strings holding onto you from all possible angles, imaginary though it may be.
Cognitate on it and you end up questioning yourself. Am I that selfish? Narcissist am I? So be it! A hypocrite?? You could put that on the list too..

During an induction for my first job, we were asked to note down a point on a piece of paper that could be discussed in class. And, technical topics were not encouraged. 98% had come up with topics on Indian economy and politics. Few were on cricket too. Mine was the odd one out. The topic was "It is better to wear out than rust out". The trainer, I can still remember his helpless face. He asked one of my colleagues to present a sort of extempore on my topic..and that male expectedly panicked to which I couldn't help but gave myself a secret smile which I doubt was noticed by a few. And as expected, we gave that topic a miss since it was creating quite a confusion. Later, after class, my colleague who was asked to speak on my topic, came up to me
and gently reminded that my topic was unfair. It was not supposed to be philosophically inclined. Again, I couldn't help but smile.

You want to know why I've come up with this incident now? Simply because I felt like shouting out that its indeed better to wear out than rust out.
Never say die eh!

twisted.

Life..it's one big puzzle..!
One has everything..yet something's just not right.
At times, people enter that decadent phase for no reason at all.Some relish those moments bitterly, while some go out to find something new..something fresh, something to amuse their worn-out souls.
Sighing out loudly which does not help when it feels like your heart's constricted..as if someone's clasped his hands tightly with your heart in the middle. The suffocation, the bitterness, the irritation, carp when it's least needed, or just keep silent..be abnormally silent...
A friend so rightly said that it is at times like these that creativity oozes out from you..if you care to recognize it!!!